Hey guys. This story is a little different, just to give your a heads up. It’s not “dark” as I have been accused of writing in the past. You can call it dark if you’d like, but that’s not the way I define it. To me, it’s just reality and transparency. We’re all still cool with that, right? Transparency?
First, I’m making you aware that I am removing editorial boundaries for this story. I am going to talk to you in this story just as if I were talking to you in person. I won’t go back and reword or delete any sentences. The only editing will be that of typos. This will make the story more authentic. I believe that’s important sometimes.
I’ve gone through a change over the past several months. It’s been a bit of a transitional period for me. Most of you that know me most likely believe that I am extremely outgoing, and you know that I can sometimes be extremely talkative. ”Loquacious” is a term that’s been attributed to me more times than once. I have been told many times that I talk “too much.” That actually used to bother me, until I realized that they were actually right. I guess that came from the time in my life when I was alone and never had another person to talk to… When someone finally came along, I had so much built up that I “just had to say” and it would spew like a busted water main. I REALLY had to get that under control.
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Hear Audio Narration of this Story
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The truth of the matter is this… If I talk to you at all, it’s because I like you as a person. What I mean by that is that I don’t speak to people I don’t like, and I speak very few words to strangers. I am actually a very shy person. But, the ones I take the time to communicate with are people who for one reason or another are dear to my heart. It may be because of an extreme relationship, or simply because that person made me laugh at some point. Sometimes it takes very little to win my affection. I guess I take after my dog.
But, over the past few months, that has changed. I have gotten quieter. In some areas, I have actually gone silent. One of those areas, at least partially, is social media. I used to tweet and update my current status with the usual nonsense that everyone else adds to their online presence as well. But, it got to the point that it was just routine. My online friends more than likely picked up on that, because for many months, I began to notice that my tweets and status updates had no replies… The first thought that honestly went through my head is that I was becoming “boring.”
So, rather than trying to trying to come up with better material, as is said in the comedy scene, I decided to just… stop. Sorta. I stopped communicating with my voice… or my “words” rather. I began taking pictures. I have an iPhone 5, and it’s with me as long as I am awake, so I always have a camera. So, I decided to start snapping shots of what was interesting or important to me. It might be something that I would see while traveling on the road, in a store, or maybe right in my own back yard. It’s something I really enjoy doing. I don’t consider myself a photographer by any means, nor do I have any desire to be one… I just like to take pictures, and let others see what I see. Perhaps they can feel what I felt when I tapped the shutter button. Hearing my voice through my eyes. Does that even make sense? Maybe not, I dunno.
But back to the voice… I’m silencing much of what I used to say. It’s weird because I actually “speak” for a living. When I am onstage, I say what I have rehearsed, never any improv, and after I say “thank you, and goodnight…” I am back in my shell. I am a corporate puppet, I guess you could say, but I am the CEO. I pull the strings, and I can even cut them if I need to. I can tie them in knots… Whatever I need to do. I’m the boss. I control me.
So, I don’t talk anymore. I just decided that I no longer wanted to be so busy talking that I was not busy listening. Some people really believe that what they have to say is so important. So important that they can drive someone insane just… talking. I believe I was that person. I believed that my voice NEEDED to be heard. I found out… when I stopped talking back in November… this world is still turning without my input. If I stop taking pictures tomorrow… the world will not stop. There is nothing that I have to say or do to make this world better. It’ll take care of itself. It was sure doing it before I was born, and it’ll certainly keep on after I am gone. I can be just a face in the crowd. It’s good that I finally realized that.
My role now is simple. I just sit back and listen. I listen to what is around me… the people, the birds, the wind… cicadas. It’s cool. I like it. My phone rarely rings, so I have lowered my calling plan. I send less texts, I receive even less than I send. I’ll hit the stage a few times a week, and say what I have written, and it’s back to the hotel, or the bus, or a plane, and then sometimes back home for a break. Sometimes, I will go an entire day without ever speaking a single word. It’s actually interesting. I sometimes don’t even realize that I’ve done it until the end of the day. I look outside and the moon is still shining… the stars are not falling, and in the morning, the sun still rises in the east. Nothing changed because of my words, nor the lack thereof. See how simple it is?
Some of you are probably thinking that I am suffering a breakdown… No. I’m not. I’m not depressed. I’m not… anything. I’m just here. I am here, and I am in queue for whatever comes next. I have no idea what “next” will be. I know that death will happen eventually, and that’s only because of the circle of life. I’m not going to try to rush it, but I’m not going to rule it out either. I already know it’ll eventually happen. But, in the rest of that line between my birth year and my death year, I am just here hanging out. I’ll keep on saying what I say onstage until the people stop paying me to come back, and I will make it as funny and edgy as I possibly can for as long as I can. It sure beats honest work!
But, as far as my time offstage, it’s different now. The voice has spoken. It feels less clear than before. It now has a scratchy feel and a gravely sound to it. It’s not as appealing as before. Out of tune… no harmony. That’s really the only way I know to describe it. Maybe I’ve popped something, and the voice just needs to heal. Or, maybe I am just wishing for something that’s not meant to be. Maybe I finally “got it” and I need to accept it, and move along. I suppose only time will tell.
I just want to let everyone know, I still love you all. That will never change. The only thing that is changing is my journey. I will not look at it as a bad thing, because for me, it’s the road not taken. I have no idea what lies ahead. It could be awful, but at the same time, it could be the greatest thing that will ever happen for the remainder of my life. I won’t know if I don’t try. I have to try.
But I mean this… I love you all. I never have, nor will I ever take your friendship lightly. As I move forward, I will take what I have learned from you, and use it to make better choices on my road ahead. I am not encouraging anyone to follow my footsteps… This is MY journey. I travel alone. Do what works for you. I’m doing this until it doesn’t work anymore, and even then, I will probably try to make a way where there is no way. I’m pretty good that way.
Thank you everyone for your kindness, and for your love. You have all made a difference in my life. From some it was good, from some… not quite so good… But I soaked it all in like a sponge, and now I am who I am because of whom I surrounded myself with. That’s what our impact does to those we’re around… never forget that. We all make some sort of difference.
I don’t know how to properly end this, so I will just say… See ya.
The Alarida Journey 