By the time you read this, I will have already finished a good part of a bottle of Everclear. I will have already contemplated the consequences of my actions. But, it’s sorta ok because they’ll all take place in the privacy of my own home, because I have no need to take the truck anywhere tonight. No one will be in any danger… Only I will suffer the consequences.
By the time you read this, I will have already decided that conventional methods of problem solving are no longer working for me, so I must revert to unconventional methods. These ideas are not ones that I like to use, but unfortunately for me, they are about all that I have left. I once heard a great person say that we’re never out of options, just out of ideas. So, I am not “thinking outside of the box,” but instead throwing the box away.
By the time you read this, my family and the ones who surround me the most will be moving forward with their lives while I am in fact moving backwards with my own. These same people who have helped put me in the place where I am tonight have no idea of the private pain that I possess in my soul. If they do have an idea, they are more evil than I thought. I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and at least pretend that they are ignorant.
By the time you read this, I will have already ignored Jesus’ constant reminder that He will never leave me, nor will He ever forsake me. I’m trying so hard, oh Father… but I have seen only one set of footprints in the sand for far too long. And… I must say, that if the poem is true, and it was during these times that you were carrying me… I must insist that someone explain why my legs are still so tired. I can no longer accept this pain. It hurts far too much.
By the time you read this, it will be too late to talk me out of anything I have done. I will be either passed out from the effects of alcohol, or suffering a broken hand from where I might have punched a wall just to keep from punching from something else, or maybe even hoarse from screaming at God. I sure hope He understands me… Maybe He’ll see fit to take me home. You’ll hear no complaints from me on that score. But, fear not… I won’t go out of my way to force it… not unless the Everclear has it’s own plans… But, regardless of what tonight brings, I know for a fact that from the day I was born up until the very last keystroke of this story… I have tried my very best to be a good friend to all, and love God and people. I have learned a simple lesson… it was not enough. I used all of my effort and energy with just a handful of ideas rather than trying anything new. They were the wrong ideas. They failed. I failed. I now have no energy left to try something new. As my dad would often say “I am slap worn out!”
By the time you read this sentence, you are probably thinking that “I’ve heard all of this before…” And, you probably have. But, it is what it is… and tonight it is true. I’m exhausted, and I no longer have anywhere to turn. I’ve burned all of my bridges, and I am too tired to swim. Actually, I don’t even remember how to swim anymore. So, instead of spending another evening asking myself “What’s wrong with me” and trying to backtrack to the place that I seemed to have “lost my value” with everyone… I move on. I just move on. By the time you read this, I will have moved on…
The Alarida Journey 