With a clearer mind, I faced today. It’s only 3pm at the time of this writing, and there’s so far been no incident. Nothing has really set me off. A lady at the bank almost did, but I knew that it wouldn’t matter in 10 minutes anyway… so I let it go.
Last night was a different story though. I faced a demon that I couldn’t just “let go” of. I had to deal with it. I had to fight. They say to choose your battles… I chose to fight this one. I won’t say that I won, but I took it on with full force. With a little more than a headache this morning, (plus I believe I threw my shoes in the fire, because I still can’t find them…) I still woke up this morning. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or angry about that. (Relax… I’m happy…)
Since the day I was born, I have been surrounded by people who have wanted to see me hurt… see me run away… see me cry. They’ve all succeeded because I’ve done all of those things. Some people have caused me to perform all three at once.
One of my earliest memories of fear was at a church campmeeting that my mom took me to. I was maybe two or three years old. We stayed in a two story hotel. I remember getting away from my mom, and running into these two teenage boys standing by an outdoor balcony. I asked what they were looking at over the edge. They replied “Here, we’ll show you…” as they grabbed me by my arms and dangled me over the edge. To this day, I can remember looking down in fear and seeing nothing but darkness below, and my legs kicking, trying to get back to the banister. I cried… they laughed. Hysterically… they laughed. When they finally let me down, I ran away as fast as I could and finally found my mom. She asked what the problem was, but I was so scared and terrified that I couldn’t tell her. I’ve never shared that story with another soul… until just now.
I have been devalued by people who I never should have allowed to get close to me in the first place. I have known since I was very young not to trust people. But since I went along with human nature and tried to make friends anyway, I’ll take the blame for letting these people around me.
But, I made some phone calls this morning, sent some texts, and wrote a few emails… and these people are no longer welcomed into my life. They’re in fact no longer even welcomed on my property. I was polite, but firm. Don’t call… don’t come around me ever again… it’s over. I’d like to say it hurt to do it, but it actually didn’t. It felt good. Actually, it felt great.
Writing people off? Is that really what I needed to do? YES. It’s what I should have done a long time ago, and last night’s incident never would have even occurred. I wouldn’t have put my health in danger, nor would I have disappointed some people who really do care about me. I have a handful of friends who are very quick to hold me accountable to my lack of judgement. If not for them, I would not be here today. Last night, I let them down… but what really makes them my BEST friends, (as in the BEST FOR ME) is that while they sternly scolded me, they did it in love, and it’s not being held against me. If your BEST friend can’t do that, they’re not your BEST friends.
According to official Facebook records, I have 561 friends. Man, that’s so stupid. I don’t even know most of those people. Either they friended me because they saw me at one of my shows, and sent the request and I accepted it… or they are people I have in fact met, and we friended each other on Facebook because “that’s what you do…” They don’t know me, though. They don’t actually know anything about me! In fact, just for fun… let’s have a quiz…
See how many questions you can answer about me…
- What is my favorite color?
- What is the name of my little weenie dog?
- Am I a Bama Fan or a Tigers Fan?
- What “specifically” do I do for a living?
- What’s the color of my truck I drive most often?
- What is my favorite food?
- What is my LEAST favorite food?
- What’s my favorite kind of music?
Can you answer even half of those? It’s ok, I’m not going to hold it against whoever can’t. But, can you answer even half of those about most of the people you know online? I probably can’t, either.
I would be really easy for me to just go out and strike up a conversation with someone for about five minutes, and say “Yeah, that’s my friend.” No they’re not. If I called them 10 minutes later and said my truck has a dead battery, they’d pull out their iPhone and Google the number for AAA. They’re not friends. Friends put you in their car and they go see what they can do… THEN they call AAA.
I could tell myself that I have 561 friends on Facebook, and that I have a few thousand on The Alarida Journey, and have a few hundred on the Better Man Mission, and Alphabet Christ, and that all of the people that pay 20 bucks a ticket to see my shows…. I could claim all of these people as my friends, but they’re not my friends! Most can’t tell you the last story I wrote, (some subscribed for a free iPad and don’t even read them anyway…) And as far as my comedy fans, 95% of them probably can’t even remember the jokes I told after the show. I WROTE THE JOKES myself, and even I need a teleprompter!
And finally, I could contact all of the people that drove me to my boiling point last night, and I could tell them that the text, or the email, or the phone call, or the voice mail they got from me this morning was a mistake. I could say I didn’t mean it. I could blame it on the after effects of too much alcohol. I could take all of these people back, and add to my list of friends and family! Hey, that’s what’s important right? Having a lot of friends? Having a lot of family? Oh yeah! Let’s run them numbers up! Let’s LOOK important. I could do that. Easily. But… I ain’t that lonely yet.
The Alarida Journey 