I’m Here

I know we’re all still trying to process the death of Robin Williams… I know I am.  As I had serious problems getting to sleep last night, I thought of Robin’s career and the things that everyone has said about him in light of his passing, and specifically the rumor that he took his own life… … … Everyone has been saying “I loved Robin Williams” or “THE WHOLE WORLD loved Robin Williams.”  And it makes me sit back and wonder… How can someone who is “loved” by so many people take his own life?  And it occurred to me that “love is NOT all you need.”

 

Only Robin really knew what was missing from his life.  We can only speculate.  But I myself have spent the largest portion of my life battling severe depression.  Now, I know that many who read this won’t believe it, because I have been told many times “there’s no way” or “you mask it so well.”  You’re right, I do…  I do it because it’s not socially acceptable to be depressed.  No one wants to be around a “downer.”

 

When Robin performed, he brought his “A-Game” every time.  EVERY time.  And that is why he was so loved.  He had to.  Actors or comedians who show negative emotions don’t get called back for the next gig or audition.  I have to do the same thing.  I have to get out there and do my best to blow people’s socks off, in a manner of speaking, if I want to return to the stage next tour.

 

Here’s the problem.  When you have no real outlet, those negative emotions need to get out.  It’s like trying to hold in a belch…  Do it too long, and you feel like you’re having a heart attack.  You can’t hold things in too long.  You have to have a person or a group of persons that you can vent to.  And these people have to be strong and prepared.  They have to know going into this relationship that there are times that it won’t be fun, and they might have to lend their shoulder to someone’s tears from time to time.

 

Take your anti-depressants or your St John’s Wort if you’d like… that’s fine.  But, having someone in your life that can perhaps relate, or just say “I’m here” is the best love you can give.  Having that relationship with a troubled soul can mend a broken spirit.  It can do more than pills, and it can do more than just love alone.

 

I didn’t write this to bring attention to myself or my situation, or to in any way steal any attention away from Robin Williams.  That’s not what this is about.  It’s about putting your money where your mouth is.  So many people who worked with Robin have said how “kind, loving, and generous” that he was.  Well, did they really prove it to him?  Did you tell him any of this while he was still alive?  It was no secret that the man battled depression.  We have Facebook, Twitter, TMZ… we know when celebs fart, for crying out loud…  Your friends exhibit signs from time to time.  It may not just be “a bad day” or “negative vibes” that you’re just not comfortable with at that moment.  It could be full blown depression.

 

And I am going to go as far as saying this…  If you are aware of someone who is dealing with ongoing severe depression, and you call yourself their friend or best friend, and you’ve not made an attempt to reach out to them… damn you.  DAMN YOU!  Robin showed us that life can take a tragic turn just like that.  It can end in a literal heartbeat.  And this is not about the fact that we don’t get to see his next Stand-Up special, or Mrs Doubtfire 2… it’s about a life could have went so much further if more people just said “I’m Here.”

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

Disconnected in a Connected World

Thanksgiving has been recently determined as America’s favorite holiday.  This data was gathered by tweets and status updates from popular social networks Twitter and Facebook.  Many users begin 30 days of thanks in November and express sincere, and sometimes humorously random reasons they are thankful in their life.  We live in a a very “connected” world where it doesn’t take but a few clicks to find out how our friends and acquaintances are doing… or do we really know at all?

Just a few days ago, On Saturday, December 1, Jovan Belcher, a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs, shot and killed his girlfriend and then committed suicide.  On Sunday, December 2, the Kansas City Chiefs won their game against the Carolina Panthers in what Panthers coach Ron Rivera called “an inspired game.” After the game Brady Quinn, the Kansas City quarterback, spoke to the press about the game and this horrific tragedy. More specifically, he was asked to speak about the emotion he felt after the game.

“It was tough. I think it was an eerie feeling after a win because you don’t think that you can win in this situation. The one thing people can hopefully try to take away, I guess, is the relationships they have with people. I know when it happened, I was sitting and, in my head, thinking what I could have done differently. When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really mean it? When you answer someone back how you are doing, are you really telling the truth? We live in a society of social networks, with Twitter pages and Facebook, and that’s fine, but we have contact with our work associates, our family, our friends, and it seems like half the time we are more preoccupied with our phone and other things going on instead of the actual relationships that we have right in front of us. Hopefully people can learn from this and try to actually help if someone is battling something deeper on the inside than what they are revealing on a day-to-day basis.” Said Quinn.

Quinn’s words are a reminder of the absence of direct communication between humans in this digital generation.  We’ve gone from speaking face to face to phone calls, from phone calls to text messages, from text messages to status updates or tweets… And the digital barrier goes on and on.  That’s not to say that social networking and using devices such as iPhones, iPads and computers to stay connected don’t have a place in our lives, because they certainly do, and they do help us stay connected. But they can’t, shouldn’t and don’t replace the in-person interactions that are so valuable to the relationships in our lives. That’s exactly what Brady Quinn reminded us about.

When he asks: “When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really mean it?” he challenges each of us to examine the sincerity with which we engage people. His horror and shock at what has happened with a teammate and friend has caused him to ask us all to reassess what is important in our own relationships in our lives.

The overall question to bring home is “What can we do to be better friends to those in our lives whom we call our friends and loved ones?”  The lesson is that we should all be more attentive to the people whose lives are intertwined with ours, through our families or our friends or our places of work.  We enter and exit this world alone, but in between those moments, we are part of a broader and more complex fabric that provides us with support and commands it from us as well.

We should take the time to turn off and put down those devices and focus on the people in our lives sincerely.  “Liking” or “retweeting” their words or photographs on social networking is nowhere near the same as just telling someone what you’re thinking or how you feel.  140 characters or less can never replace the human voice.  It’s quick, convenient, and very trendy… But it also builds a digital wall around you that can take much work to dismantle.  It’s become both a blessing and a curse.  Don’t choose the latter.  This is something we should consider the next time we’re more worried about interacting with someone who isn’t in the room than someone who is.

♫♪ Everybody Hurts ♫♪

Think of someone.  Anyone.  They could be your best friend, an aquantence, or just some random person you remember from school or at work.  Chances are, they are dealing with some private pain this very moment that neither you nor anyone else is even aware of.  It could be just them and God who really know what’s going on.

A couple of months back, I lost a friend to suicide.  I’d never lost a friend that way before.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  He dealt with demons that I was unaware of, and I even blamed myself for not detecting some of the warning signs.  Did I not say the right things in his time of need?  Did I not reach far enough to get a grip on him when he needed a good friend at the moment?  So many things ran through my head.

I received a text a couple of weeks ago from another friend who was ready to take her life at that moment.  She texted ME.  I was horrified.  I silently prayed to God as she and I talked.  On a hunch, I decided against calling the police or her parents.  I really felt that what she needed was a friend to care.  That’s the role I played for the next hour.  Today she is doing much better because someone cared enough to show her love for just a little while.  I check on her via text now a couple of times a day… Just to let her know I care.

Another buddy of mine texted me about a week ago and asked how my friend was doing.  He then revealed that in his past, he also dealt with suicidal attempts of his own.  I was pumping gas as I read the text. When I got back in my truck, I just sat there.  I couldn’t drive.  I never would have thought this about my friend.  He seems so joyous and happy today.  How could he have once processed a troubled soul?

And then, I hear from another friend… Same story.  What gives?!!  And it hit me…

♫♪ “When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on…

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone… Hold on.
If you feel like letting go… Hold on
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes.

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no.” ♫♪

Everyone around us has a story.  Not everyone may experience feelings of suicide, or Lord forbid success or at least an attempt… but every person desires love.  Love is key to what makes us want to wake each morning, and place one foot in front of the other to progress through our day.  It’s the very fabric of our happiness.

Doctors will tell you that you just need medication to cure this ailment.  I will not undermine what doctors have to say on the matter, but you will never convince me that someone who is shown genuine love by the people they surround themselves with can want to end their life prematurely.

Everyone around us, including the ones we would never suspect… they all have a story.  They all have a private pain.  You don’t have to know the nature of the pain to show them love… you just have to love them.  With genuine love, that pain will take care of itself, and maybe even fade away forever.  Love someone today.

♫♪ “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. contributed to the composition of this post.