One year ago, I closed the MacBook pro… and it stayed closed until tonight. I felt like I had said all I needed to say, and that it was probably time for the Journey to end.
Well, the truth is I was wrong. The Journey was actually not over at all. I was just taking a road that led me away from the calling… the calling to continue to make humor and to inspire. To share experiences. My experiences.
With a renewed focus and vision, I am very happy to announce that “The Journey Continues.”
Who am I? I actually asked myself that question this past weekend. I have always felt like I knew, but I have reached a point where I am now unsure. So, in keeping up with my usual way of doing things, I decided to write about it.
So many identify people by their occupation. Have you ever noticed that most people who are meeting you for the first time ask you two things… your name, and “what do you do?” Well, I’m a comedian. Gosh, I hear that all the time. “This is Trai… he’s a comedian!” Then I get the usual line of questioning… “Where do you perform? How do you get into comedy? Can you get me Daniel Tosh’s autograph?”
I am also a writer. I also restore, collect, and sell classic cars. I also tend to have a pretty good knack for cooking. (I’m getting better, anyway.) But, that’s not what people want to hear about. They want me to tell them a joke or make them laugh somehow. They want to hear my Dr Phil impression.
I enjoy being a comedian. Don’t misunderstand me, please. I am in my 9th year on stage, and my 7th year on tour. It has been one of the most rewarding and fun times of my entire life. There are very few things that have brought me more happiness than my current occupation. But, there is so much more to me than just that.
I am judged by man… like they have that type of authority or relationship with me in the first place. Christians and non-Christians like to pick me apart and take my inventory day after day and minute by minute. It blows my mind how so many Christians early in my career told me I would go to hell for entertaining drunks in a comedy club. I really missed that part of the bible where the Lord started handing out gavels to His children for them to pound me on the head everytime I did something that didn’t line up with their view of theology.
“You’re not a Christian comedian?” Well, not exactly… I am a comedian who is also a Christian. “Ohhhh. Hmm. Well then. We’ll just have t see about that…”
As I move along down my journey, I continue to stay in motion. Some days it is full speed ahead, but lately it seems that it has been “one step forward and two steps back.” I have gotten so discouraged by the people surrounding me that I have began to question my own value in life. I began to question whether I was even capable of bringing joy into the lives of the ones who were needing me to continue doing it. I was beginning to question whether I was even worthy of breathing the same air as all of the wonderful people who have been constantly biting at my heels. Am I the one that people need? Can I even still do it?
I can’t say that I have the answer right now. I am seeking it, but it remains lost. Each day I want to wake and say that I have a firm grasp on what I need to be doing. I want to wake and say that my foundation is rock solid, and as sturdy and stable as the chair I am sitting in. But, I cannot do that right now.
I want to say that I can stop writing stories like this, and move along to the happy ones that everyone loves and expects from The Alarida Journey. But, it IS a journey. It’s my journey. And sometimes, a GPS will take you down a bumpy dirt road, or even an area that is under construction. Easy street is just ahead, but during that time of reconstruction, you have to hold on tight.
The slogan of The Alarida Journey is “Exalting Christ, Challenging the Mind, and Encouraging the Soul.” Some people have written me and said “You’re not doing that anymore.” Oh, well you’re wrong…
I am not going to sit here on this MacBook and lie to you, and tell you that once you call upon the name of the Lord, everything in your life is going to be smooth. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that once you call upon the name of the Lord, you’re not going to have the same problems twice… or even thrice. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that once you call upon the name of the Lord, you will be able to audibly hear God, and that He will bust open the ceiling of the room you’re praying in, and look you dead in the eyes and say “I’m here, and I’m listening.” He IS there, and He IS listening, but you’ll rarely feel like it.
What I am going to tell you is this… What you’re seeing when you read The Alarida Journey is someone who is not afraid to tell you that he struggles. He’s not afraid to show you what it’s like to have hard times in life. He’s not afraid to tell you the truth, even when it can be a bit scary.
The state of the Journey is this… I am going through some garbage right now. You want me to exalt Christ? You want me to challenge your mind? You want me to encourage your soul? I can do that by telling you that I am surrounded by a handful of friends, appointed by God, who have absolutely been a life support for me through my hard times. Do they have hard times? YEAH! They’re breathing, aren’t they? But they have loving friends who pull them together just as they do for me.
This is where I am. This is also the part of the story where you would typically expect me to jump in with some encouraging coda to make it all better. I don’t have that today. I just… don’t. The only thing I have is the promise that I am not giving up. I’ll make it even if I have to crawl. But, I will make it.
Last month held my mom’s birthday. If she were still here with me, I would do the normal ritual of taking her to a Country Buffet and having a chocolate cake waiting at her house for when she got back home. But instead, I left the tour for a few days so I could return home and put flowers on her grave. This month holds her death day. I lost mom back in 2010. It’s had to believe its been three years already.
After she had her second stroke, I had to abandon the tour all together to be by her side as she lie helpless in the nursing home. Many days were to painful to witness because the strokes eventually robbed her of most memories, including my identity. I could have just been a nurse for all she knew. But, I knew who she was, and that is all that mattered.
There were so many times that I would arrive and she was in such severe pain that all she could do is cry aloud. Relief came when I finally brought in a CD player with select music. There was one particular song that stands out . When I would hit play on this track, mom would totally relax… and rest. Sometimes even smile.
“Sing the wondrous love of Jesus,
Sing His mercy and His grace;
In the mansions bright and blessed
He’ll prepare for us a place.”
My mom brought me up in a church that loved the old gospel hymns. This tune was a regular on Sunday mornings for us. There were many hand picked hymns on the CD I had prepared for her. My intention was to bring her relaxation and peace. This particular one just did something for her that no others could.
I have no idea what thoughts passed through mom’s vacant mind during this time in her life, but I like to believe that Jesus took that opportunity to speak to her… since it was easier to have her undivided attention. I like to believe that he delivered her visions of what was soon to come for her.
“Onward to the prize before us!
Soon His beauty we’ll behold;
Soon the pearly gates will open;
We shall tread the streets of gold.”
There have been so many ideas of exactly what heaven will be like and look like. Many are directly from scriptures, and many things are frankly quite exciting! Mom doesn’t hurt anymore. Al of the heartaches she endured here on earth are no longer part of her life. Today, she just praises our Savior.
“When we all get to heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all see Jesus,
We’ll sing and shout the victory!”
As I placed the flowers on the marble slab that honors her earth suit, because that’s what you are expected to do… I breathed a sigh of relief. She’s not in that grave… she’s in heaven. She’s with Jesus. Not hurting… not suffering. Worshiping. Rejoicing. Can you feel it? Can you enjoy the anticipation of what’s to come? I sure can! I cannot wait until it’s my time to join Him! Won’t you join us?
The Alarida Journey 