I’m Here

I know we’re all still trying to process the death of Robin Williams… I know I am.  As I had serious problems getting to sleep last night, I thought of Robin’s career and the things that everyone has said about him in light of his passing, and specifically the rumor that he took his own life… … … Everyone has been saying “I loved Robin Williams” or “THE WHOLE WORLD loved Robin Williams.”  And it makes me sit back and wonder… How can someone who is “loved” by so many people take his own life?  And it occurred to me that “love is NOT all you need.”

 

Only Robin really knew what was missing from his life.  We can only speculate.  But I myself have spent the largest portion of my life battling severe depression.  Now, I know that many who read this won’t believe it, because I have been told many times “there’s no way” or “you mask it so well.”  You’re right, I do…  I do it because it’s not socially acceptable to be depressed.  No one wants to be around a “downer.”

 

When Robin performed, he brought his “A-Game” every time.  EVERY time.  And that is why he was so loved.  He had to.  Actors or comedians who show negative emotions don’t get called back for the next gig or audition.  I have to do the same thing.  I have to get out there and do my best to blow people’s socks off, in a manner of speaking, if I want to return to the stage next tour.

 

Here’s the problem.  When you have no real outlet, those negative emotions need to get out.  It’s like trying to hold in a belch…  Do it too long, and you feel like you’re having a heart attack.  You can’t hold things in too long.  You have to have a person or a group of persons that you can vent to.  And these people have to be strong and prepared.  They have to know going into this relationship that there are times that it won’t be fun, and they might have to lend their shoulder to someone’s tears from time to time.

 

Take your anti-depressants or your St John’s Wort if you’d like… that’s fine.  But, having someone in your life that can perhaps relate, or just say “I’m here” is the best love you can give.  Having that relationship with a troubled soul can mend a broken spirit.  It can do more than pills, and it can do more than just love alone.

 

I didn’t write this to bring attention to myself or my situation, or to in any way steal any attention away from Robin Williams.  That’s not what this is about.  It’s about putting your money where your mouth is.  So many people who worked with Robin have said how “kind, loving, and generous” that he was.  Well, did they really prove it to him?  Did you tell him any of this while he was still alive?  It was no secret that the man battled depression.  We have Facebook, Twitter, TMZ… we know when celebs fart, for crying out loud…  Your friends exhibit signs from time to time.  It may not just be “a bad day” or “negative vibes” that you’re just not comfortable with at that moment.  It could be full blown depression.

 

And I am going to go as far as saying this…  If you are aware of someone who is dealing with ongoing severe depression, and you call yourself their friend or best friend, and you’ve not made an attempt to reach out to them… damn you.  DAMN YOU!  Robin showed us that life can take a tragic turn just like that.  It can end in a literal heartbeat.  And this is not about the fact that we don’t get to see his next Stand-Up special, or Mrs Doubtfire 2… it’s about a life could have went so much further if more people just said “I’m Here.”

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

Lord, You Reign (for the Boston Marathon)

Waking to tragic news is never fun.  It happens to me more often than I’d like.  I remember hearing a pounding at my door early one morning many years back.  I made my way downstairs to see my grandmother on my father’s side at the door.  “Your daddy’s had a heartattack.”  Wow…  The Iron Man is not as strong as I thought.  No one ever believes that their father will ever fall.  We see it happen to others all the time, but that’s THEIR dad… not mine.  My dad is strong.

But he was not too strong this time.  He was actually driving when the attack hit him, and he was able to keep his wits about him to make it off the road and call for help on his cell.  A surgery later, he was on the road to recuperation.

When I learned that my sister’s boy had a brain tumor… I was floored.  “He’s only 13!  Are you serious right now?”  This is something that only happens to grown people.  Surely there was a misdiagnosis.  But, the diagnosis was right, and the symptoms all couldn’t be ignored, either.  A surgery later, he was on the road to recuperation.

When my sister called and asked me to please get to the hospital because she’d just dropped off my mom, I rushed there immediately because it was said that mom had suffered a stroke.  “Wait, what?”  She’s only in her early sixties.  People don’t have strokes until they’re like… 80.  Right?  Well, after she was admitted to the nursing home, she was on the road to recuperation.  Right?  Wrong…

“Long before you ever said
Let there be light
To long after this world has had 
Its final night
Great god in heaven you’ll be
Where Youve always been
Seated on your holy throne
King of all kings
Looking down on men”

Mom suffered another stroke, but not before dad lost his battle to cancer recovery and pneumonia.  Tyler didn’t make it to mom’s funeral just a year later because he was too sick from another tumor that had grown back.  “Gammaw” didn’t make it to ANY of the funerals.  She met mom and dad in Heaven.  She left before they did.  In that time period, I also lost an Aunt and an Uncle.  I had never lost so many people at once in my life.  I was not accustomed to this.  Plus, I was dealing with bad relationships with others in my life at the same time.

“Morning and night the sky shouts
Your majesty
Saying the whole universe
Is under your feet
This is the peace in my heart
The strength of my soul
Whatever happens in life
This much I know
You are in control”

Tyler is still fighting the good fight.  He’s so much braver than I ever could be.  He’s going to graduate soon, despite the fact that his chemo treatments force him to take classes not from a school desk and classmates, but his kitchen table with a private tutor.  He’s lost vision in one eye, and peripheral vision in the other, but is determined to still beat the odds and drive his own car, even though the state doesn’t want to issue him a license.

Me, I have learned that when I wake up in the morning, I can still give Praise to the man who has been faithful to me through every breath I breathe.  I’ve learned that regardless of what card I am dealt, I can play the hand with confidence, because my Lord Reigns!

“You are ruler above all the nations
Sovereign through all generations
Lord you reign
One day
All kings will tremble before you
I will bow down to adore you
Lord you reign.”

Unless the Lord takes me Home to be with Him first, I will face more tragedy.  I’ll rush to another emergency room, or another deathbed, or another funeral… and in all the confusion I might ask “Why…”  But in the end, it won’t matter.  God’s plan is perfect, especially when we don’t understand it.  That’s when we turn to Him, and lean on Him, rather than our own understanding.  He Reigns.

Lord, today… it’s my prayer that You will give us all peace in our hearts for the things we don’t understand.  It’s my prayer that You will quicken us to turn to you in times of tragedy, and loss, and understand that nothing happens without going through Your hands first.  And Lord, it’s my prayer that you will remind us all today, that no matter what happened yesterday, later today, and tomorrow… You still reign.

“You Reign” by “4HIM” contributed to the composition of this story.

I Can Only Imagine

Several years back, I was asked to sing at a funeral.  I couldn’t imagine why I was chosen among so many great vocalists that were in attendance, because I am not by any means what I would consider a good singer.  I found out later that before this precious lady passed, she had mentioned how much she loved hearing me sing in church when I was a small child… so I was asked to sing when she passed.  As nervous as I was, it was truly an honor, because this lady embodied what it was like to be a Christ follower.

I had about 24 hours to determine what I would sing, so that I could coordinate with the band and rehearse a time or two.  This lady was an “old school” piano playing, gospel music loving, lady of The Lord.  So, I should sing a hymn.  Which one?  Amazing Grace!  Everyone knows that one.  But… I really can’t remember a funeral I have been to where Amazing Grace wasn’t performed.  Plus, I’m not the only person singing today, and they might want that song…

“I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me

I can only imagine.”

I settled on this song because to me, it really spelled out how is lady lived her life.  She lived it with no fear… Only fear of The Lord.  She truly was one of those people who never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and always looked for the very best in everyone.  One of those people you knew you could count on to keep a secret, and if you needed to call her for prayer at 3am, she’d stay on the phone to sunrise if needed.  Christ in heels… that’s how I saw her.  And don’t tell me that’s disrespectful, because the Bible clearly instructs us to be imitators of Christ.  She DID THAT.

No fear.  When she met Jesus just after her final breath on Earth, I can only imagine how she reacted.  There are so many possibilities.  I’d like to believe I know how I would react, but I can’t.  I’d like to believe that when The Lord looks at me and says “Welcome Home,” that I would reply with a strong “Thank You, Lord…”  and humbly walk through the pearly gates.  But chances are that I would break down and cry my eyes out, and continue for who knows how long.  Man… What a moment!

“Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine”

When that day comes, and we find ourselves there is His presence, and we are ushered into His kingdom… we will have no regrets for living the “good life” in the “bad world” of Earth.  It will be the ultimate reward, but we will see it as the opportunity to eternally thank the One who gave all to make it possible.  We can only imagine the unimaginable.  Tell me it’s easy to imagine what heaven will really be like… I dare ya!  All we know is that what we can possibly imagine about it, it’s probably a billion times greater.  The Lord built the universe in 7 days… Imagine what He can build in a several thousand years!

 

“I Can Only Imagine” by “MercyMe” contributed to the composition of this story.